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From C-Level/Island Prime, a resto near the airport…

It made the tuna melt I was eating that much better.

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My mom didn’t say I was vain or anything, but she thought it was funny that I had to pull down my rash guard while trying to pretend to surf.

A couple weeks back I volunteered to guest bartend at a birthday party. I thought it would be “fun.”

The liquor closet: the highlight of my evening.

I was waaaay outta my league at this downtown club where women in fishnets danced on the bar, a DJ spun from inside a cage, and sparklers went off every time someone ordered a $400 bottle of Veuve.

People were ordering things I had never heard of. Back in my day, we ordered a simple Malibu and Pineapple. Or Jack and Coke. If you had no sympathy for the bartender, a Piña Colada. But these people wanted Redheaded Sluts, Adios Motherf—ers, and Red P—ies. I almost blushed taking their orders (all of which I did not know how to make). That is, when I could hear and understand the orders, what with all the accents and the loud club…I couldn’t even read lips!

I grew resentful as the night grew on, as we were expected to bartend (free labor) like we had gone to bartending school. And I had to work the cash register, with extremely limited retail experience. It was a disaster.

It was a Wednesday night, and my shift lasted until 2 a.m.! My two friends, girls in their early-ish 20s, asked me if I had invited my pals. I said, “If they’re up at this hour, it’s because they’re having to breast feed.”

Seriously, what was I doing?!

I dropped off the face of the planet. I don’t know why. I’m sorry.

The baby shower was in the backyard of a Park Slope patisserie. Yes, a tree or two grow in Brooklyn.

Mid-June, I went to NYC for a weekend. Pre-trip, I was trying to keep it off the internet because I was going to surprise my friend Melissa Walker at her baby shower. I was almost successful, but when I got on the plane, I tweeted something about US Airways and she saw it and partially guessed. (*smacks forehead*)

It was a whirlwind trip and I didn’t get to see everyone, which was a bummer. I was very busy—which was very NYC! Brunches and showers and drinks and shopping and Rain, a Broadway show starring a Beatles cover band, and the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (hello, stunning!).

Also, I forgot how muggy and gross it is in the summertime!

When I moved out of New York, my friend Marie's daughter Lila was just a baby who couldn't even use an iPhone. Now look at her!

This weekend, I encountered all kinds of nastiness.

Gross. But also, it was amazeballs.

First, there was a “media party” preview of the San Diego County Fair, in which I tried fried Kool-Aid and a fried brownie (there goes my juice fast—I also tried a fish taco, corndog, pork sandwich, pizza, frozen cheesecake, rib, fries, chicken shishkabob, and 2 glasses of wine).

Then, yesterday, as I was laying out in my parents’ backyard, I ran into this clown—basically, a walking branch. It was like a praying mantis without the wings or the green. So nasty!

My dad loaded him up on this saw and then flung him.

I got pulled over yesterday morning for blowing through a stop sign. The cop was on foot, too. He was a motorcycle cop hiding behind a tree.

I didn’t try to fight or flirt my way out of it because I was totes guilty. At the stop sign, I had not even tried to slow down or do the “California Roll.”

My mom passed me a few minutes later. She paused and shook her head. I said, “Hi, Mom” out the window. The cop was like, “This really isn’t your day, is it?” I said, “Oh, she’s a very patient woman. Besides, I’ll pay for this, not her.”

Anyway, the policeman told me they don’t send you your ticket any more. You have to wait two weeks and then check online.

So I’m curious: will I be out $100 or…$400? The guy had no idea.

How much was your last traffic ticket?

So I lasted until 9 p.m. on Tuesday night, but then I was hungry. I ate spaghetti, meatballs, 1 garlic toast, and 2 big cookies! But I did not drink wine.

Yesterday (Wed.), I polished off the kale mixture for lunch but otherwise ate normally.

I do feel thinner and lighter—and I did not need extra coffee yesterday, either. Hurray!

I’m excited about the kale chip and juicer tips—thanks, guys!