On Monday night, I ate 2 hot dogs, some pork ‘n’ beans, Fritos, macaroni salad, 2 big chocolate chip cookies, and just 1 glass of wine. It was my Last Supper before the Esquire juice fast. And I ate it standing up.
I just felt like I needed to kick-start a personal health-craze, especially after watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.
The Esquire juice fast is not exactly endorsed by the publication, but the idea comes from a personal essay that ran in their April issue. The fast is supposed to last 3 days. The recipe is:
In a good juicer, combine 1 large bunch kale; 2 whole apples; 3 whole lemons; 4 heads celery, bottoms lopped off; 1 piece ginger root, the size of a man’s thumb. Makes 72 ounces.
I tripped up on the first four words: “In a good juicer.” I did not know there were good and bad juicers. Our blender had broken, so we resorted to a normal juicer for the lemons, and a food processor for the kale and whatnot. The result was not juice or a liquid of any kind—not even a puree—but a very lumpy gazpacho. The author did describe it as pulpy, but this was closer to a stew.
Also confusing: heads of celery? Not stalks? He legit meant four giant bushels, I think. I only had two. Oh, well. It was still extremely lumpy.
My dad tried it. “The lemon cuts it” was the review. The ginger helped, too. I used to have a special juice made for my old boss, and it included lemon, ginger, and apple. Good combo.
Anyway: the author didn’t say I couldn’t start out with coffee, so I did. Then I basically went ’rexic for a couple hours because I didn’t want to eat the green gunge.
At 8:30 a.m., I sat down at my desk to edit a piece from our dining critic, in which there were several mouth-watering phrases such as, “an excellent burger on brioche served with truffle-kissed duck fat fries.”
At 9 a.m., I had a coffee meeting at Zanzibar. My boss ate a snickerdoodle and enjoyed a rich coffee. I ate nada. I was surprisingly juice-fast-motivated, though.
Around 10 a.m., I was just hungry. I started on the “juice.” It was better than starving.
Throughout the day, whenever I felt empty (not weak, though), I thought of Gandhi and of my friend Lindsay, who has done the Master Cleanse twice and has lived to tell the tale.
It was semi-miserable having to spoon-feed myself all day, but on the other hand, I was chewing the entire time, so my body did feel like I was getting food. So, lumpy liquids may in fact be the secret to “fast” success!
I’m not sure if I lost any weight. Probably. The big thing I noticed was, my body felt clear and lightweight (healthy?), and I did not need any coffee the entire day. Usually I have two cups at the office, in addition to the one I have at home. But I didn’t need them—I’m guessing because I wasn’t experiencing any sugar crashes or food comas. Hurray! And I finally tried kale.
I finished the smaller Tupperware by 3:45 p.m. I came home with about 5/6 left of the big one.
I’m sitting here now, thinking about it. My mom is making spaghetti and meatballs. My dad is making homemade ice cream. And there will be alcohol.
I’m really going to try to be good.
If I don’t pass out.